Full Moon in Capricorn

by Angeliska on July 4, 2012

Full Moon in Capricorn - to read my musings on the subject: http://www.angeliska.com/2012/07/full-moon-in-capricorn/

This month’s full moon falls into my own sign, Capricorn – and has brought with it a cornucopia of Saturnine horrors: disintegration, separation, and yet more loss. Once again, the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I’m forced to question everything I know about my life, about my vision for the future. The bright moon gets tangled in the gnarled fingers of an old oak before she makes her way over the hill to burn away all my fear, all my doubt. Well – some of it at least. What can I do but surrender? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a bitch. Oh, it really does. So, I’m not going to go into detail about what all is occurring in my life here, or how this cruel Capricorn moon has been manifesting for me personally, but instead try and relate what I’ve been attempting to put my focus on as I endeavor to endure all this upheaval: how to make it through each day in the best way possible. I’ve been thinking about the concept of self care a lot lately. It’s something I talk to my clients and friends about often, and yet, sometimes it’s tricky to remember your own advice. Perhaps by writing it out and sharing it here, I can resolve to listen to my own words, and take good care of myself.

I mean. It’s something I’ve been working on for awhile, actually – and I think I do alright for the most part, at least as far as the physical aspects go. The mental and emotional, maybe less so. It’s about the stories we tell ourselves: about how we are lost, ruined, destroyed. Even if it might feel true, we’re stronger than that, right? My teachers and mentors have been reminding me to be gentle and nurturing to myself. It’s something I’ve been trying to learn: to mother myself in lieu of the mother I lost. I feed myself a nice dinner, I brush my teeth, I put on pajamas, I read a bedtime story, I tuck myself into bed. No, it’s not the same, but it’s what I’ve got. It takes a lot of patience to nurture yourself like you would a young plant, or a small child. Would you reprimand that plant for not growing fast enough, or that child for not learning quickly enough? Would you be mean to a little baby for crying, for being weak? No. Yet we do this to ourselves all too often. I’ve been working on being better at crying, at letting it out when I feel it. It took me years to learn how to do this. One of my teachers always tells me, “Cry when you feel like crying. Don’t be afraid to let it out, to make a noise. Give your grief a sound.” I’ve been getting a lot of practice in, lately.

Something else I’ve been thinking about a lot: how many of my disappointments stem from a deep desire that erupted out of the trainwreck that was my childhood: to be taken care of. Certainly, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I have been doing so for many years. But I’m realizing more and more that many of my problems and issues come from this place of internalized neglect – and from the hope that someone could swoop in and rescue me from my life, from my sadnesses. I’ve discovered quite often lately how fruitless and unfulfilling it is to make others responsible for your own happiness. That if they don’t do this, or say that, that somehow they don’t care, or that they could affect your ability to be happy and satisfied. I’m wrestling with the concept that no one can “make” you feel a certain way – that we choose how to respond to all of the various people in our lives and the things that they say (or don’t say), and do (or don’t do). I’m also struggling with the concept that happiness is a choice that we make for ourselves – despite whatever tragic and shitty things might be happening in our lives. It’s still our responsibility to create our own sense of happiness and wellbeing. So that’s what I’m working on right now, amidst all the smoke and rubble, to find little moments and places where things are okay, even for just a minute. Another one of my teachers has been really helping me learn how all this works. He reminds me often to return my attention to my physical form. He tells me about how pain and sadness and confusion all live in the mind, and that the only way to escape them is to place yourself back into your body, by being physical – taking a walk, or doing yoga, or just being outside. Yesterday I woke up at 7am and went to one of my favorite places. I swam in cool spring water, my body slicing and arcing under the surface, propelling me forward. I floated on my back under tall cypresses and stared up at the sky through the branches. For a little while, I chose not to focus on my unhappiness, and instead on the sensation of weightlessness, mud under my feet, maidenhair ferns casting diamond droplets into my hair. Water is healing for me. Mermaid therapy. Oh, and – this mermaid just joined a gym, for the first time ever.

Here’s some things that have been making things a bit brighter lately:

Workin' some Cleopatra real ness at Dr. Sketchy's ATX
I dressed up as Cleopatra and modeled for Dr. Sketchy’s life drawing session for the first time. I forgot how much I enjoy being an art model. It’s harder work than you might imagine, if you take making and holding interesting poses for the artists seriously. And I do.

Homegrown cantaloupe, a blanket, a knife. Simple, good things gettin' me by.
Homegrown cantaloupe, a blanket, a knife. Simple, good things been gettin’ me by.
Growing your own food and eating it feels pretty amazing. I highly recommend it.

Q: How many birds does it take to send a letter down the street?
Q: How many birds does it take to send a letter down the street?

A: Seven, plus Buckminster Fuller - if it's a letter from Francesca-la-la...
A: Seven, plus Buckminster Fuller – if it’s a letter from my dear Francesca-la-la…
Friends who write you letters even though they live right down the road are the very best kind of friends.
She inscribed a very fitting poem on the back of the envelope:

“One who does what
the friend wants done
will never need a friend.

There’s a bankruptcy
that’s pure again.

The moon stays bright
when it doesn’t avoid the night.

A rose’s rarest essence
lives in the thorn.”

Rumi

Lord Dunsany's At The Edge of the World
Lord Dunsany’s At The Edge of the World, a gift from dear friends whose wedding ceremony I officiated at recently.
Been immersing myself in loads of fantasy fiction lately. Escape, ahoy!

Mes parfums petits de L'Artisan
Mes parfums petits de L’Artisan – smelling good makes me feel good.

Homegrown zinnia bouquet for bedside cheering morning and night.
I picked a homegrown zinnia bouquet for bedside cheering morning and night.

Grrizzles & Scampi = best friends forever.
Luckily, I also have the cutest animal friends ever, who constantly keep my spirits up with their absurd and adorable friendship. Grrizzles & Scampi are totally best friends forever.

Here are some things that I’ve been doing for myself that have helped:
Wore my favorite red corduroy dress my mama made.
Listened to songs sung by friends in a copse of trees
down in the valley under the bright full moon.
Ate some really good cookies.
Taken some good long baths.
Bought myself fancy amber perfume.
Procured good fruits and vegetables.
Sat under a waterfall.
Encouraged a child to be brave
(and swam with her into a cave behind said waterfall!
We did it! We were not eaten by cave goblins!)

What is your concept of self-care? How has this full moon been treating you?

For further reading:

Full Moon in Capricorn – by Molly Hall

Full Moon in Capricorn: Integrity or Bust – by Sherene Schostak

Full Moon in Capricorn on 3rd July 12 – Intense and practical, emotional and unpredictable – from Solaris Astrology

“The signal sent out by this particular Full Moon I think will be one of tough practical experiences, break ups and endings of cycles combined with deep emotion and lack of control brought about by unusual events that we were not expecting. It is asking us to take up a challenge, to act positively in the face of adversity and the big odds stacked against us. There is a positive slant though; the fact that this is a cardinal t-square, asking us to act and make the best of the situations we are facing.”
– from Solaris Astrology

I’ve been pretty impressed with Astrology Zone for accurate interpretations lately.
Here’s mine: Capricorn Horoscope for July 2012 – by Susan Miller

The Sabian Symbol for the Full Moon is: A Fire Worshipper Meditates On The Ultimate Realities Of Existence

Other names for the July Full Moon: Mead Moon, Blessing Moon, Full Hay Moon, Lightning Moon, Full Thunder Moon (big storms). Also known as the Full Buck Moon, since it’s when new antlers grow out on young bucks, with a coating of velvety fur.

TAROT: The 3 of swords followed by the Page of Cups.
Or, the 10 of Swords and the Ace of Cups.
Healing one’s self in the aftermath of great pain and loss.

Also: STARS + SHADOWS

12 comments

Oh, Angel. This all lines up so eerily well with my life. I am crying a lot lately too, confused about how much I can depend on myself for, and what I need from other people, trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be learning from all this pain. I hear you, girl, I hear you so hard.

That moon was brutal. I couldn’t have fallen asleep on a bet.

by Sophie on July 4, 2012 at 9:22 am. #

Sending you big love, little Capricorn sister. Wish I could give you a big hug, too. xoxo

by Angeliska on July 4, 2012 at 12:03 pm. #

i love you, sweet girl. let’s both take better care of ourselves, together, and on our own. let’s shoot holes in the sky and catch the bits that fall down around us. boom, bang.

by lau on July 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm. #

I hope you find some peace. This moon stuff explains a lot about why it’s only Wednesday and the week is a total crap-fest already.

by Margaret on July 4, 2012 at 12:24 pm. #

Well. I wrap you, energetically, in a lovely and soothing blanket. I blow healing breezes your way. xx

by christine on July 4, 2012 at 8:56 pm. #

O,this Moon…Each word You have placed just so, Resonates. I am also learning these Lessons, to nurture the Self. The hollows of keening girl-child neglect,sated by the Now in wisdom realized from each.
I have realized a crossroads, which came to the door one hour. Sand,salt in the eyelids. The realization that the only Being which is in Our hands is the Self. Glowing, coursing. You Know your very Own tread.
Strength & Love eternally sent outwards to You. Yes,yes.

by .Saelokit. on July 5, 2012 at 10:04 am. #

Oy, Angeliska. This moon is delivering Tests of Character after Tests of Character, eh? I’m not thrilled to hear that this full moon has been brutal on other people, too, but I am a wee bit relieved to know there are cosmic reasons behind the chaos. I’m lucky to be heading back to school for this September, but my excitement is being drowned by all the panic at feeling wildly unprepared and unmoored.

This moon has also been forcing me to be more vigilant about self-care. Sometimes I don’t even realize that I’m being so hard on myself- this constant stream of scolding, admonitions, and self-loathing can run pretty deep in one’s head, and is very difficult to disrupt. We would never talk to our loved ones this way, so why do we treat ourselves so harshly, so freely? You made a beautiful point about the stories we tell ourselves, and self-care, to me, means re-adapting these stories so that they’re more accurate and more positive reflections of ourselves and our life stories. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t gloss over the horrible moments in our lives, nor should we deny ourselves time to grieve them, but I do think that we ought to give ourselves more credit for having come through the other side; still magnificent in spite of everything.

Here’s hoping that life is especially kind to you these upcoming days!

by Kylie Cumming on July 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm. #

We do not know each other so I suppose I’m being quite presumtuous by commenting here. I am sorry things are bad at the moment. I am also going through a bit of a rough patch, and I have just discovered the importance of nurturing oneself- I don’t usually, I tend to just get sucked under and end up in very bad shape indeed. But this time I realised that I was heading for disaster again I have dragged myself back. I’m trying to do all the things for myself that I can that make me feel better, and comfortable and safe. I know it’s not the same as having for example my Mum or Nan fussing over me, but when others are not there to do the fussing, we must do it for ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Much love- for what it’s worth I think you are awesome!!!
Hugs
Violetta <3

by Violetta Blumqvist on July 5, 2012 at 7:40 pm. #

i almost bought myself a plane ticket to Florida, even though I know very well I cannot get the time off from work…..

by Angie on July 6, 2012 at 11:09 pm. #

I’ve only just read this.
All the things you say ring true with me, I almost feel like on the same boat sometimes. It’s all so difficult, painful and confusing sometimes… The last few weeks have been particularly difficult- no energy whatsoever, feeling like crying etc. The only thing I can do at the moment is go to the doctor and see if at least I can get something to spruce up my energy levels and see if there is anything else that might be contributing to it… As for everything else, just plodding along…
Hugs xx

by Mrs D on July 13, 2012 at 4:51 am. #

The fullmoon is also screwing me over, in a really big way.
My boyfriend through the last 4 years and I aren’t any longer. Of course that makes me sad, but what is even more enfuriating is that he has already found him somebody new.
I thought that maybe we could still be friends after our break-up, which happened for some months ago, and maybe MAYBE we could rekindle our relationship.
All that hope was destroyed 4 days ago when he announced that he has found this girl.
I am utterly detroyed inside. I can’t find peace, I just cry and cry.
It’s……just really hard right now.
But I found little comfort in your blog… I hope I can use it in my life. Find these little places where I can feel ok. Just for a little while

by Martine on July 17, 2012 at 5:15 am. #

Just a short note to say thank you for sharing this. I’m coming to the Full Moon in Capricorn a little late, but it explains the total heartbreak of the past month or so. Difficult times. This really helped in terms of clarity.

Also – your blog inspires me to write more! :) You write beautifully.

by A. on August 3, 2012 at 12:37 am. #

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