by Angeliska on August 20, 2012
I found this little bird on the ground in my yard, at the end of a particularly hard day. I cradled him in my hand and brought him inside. He looks like I’ve been feeling, lately. I’m so thankful for all the distractions and wonders of travel, and for being surrounded by excellent friends on these adventures – but when I draw back to look at my heart and what’s going on inside it, this is what I see. A hollow dried husk of something that once fluttered and flew, a tiny broken thing that once sang sweetly. I can’t imagine not feeling this way right now, though friends assure me that one day I’ll heal from this, that my heart will beat and sing again. It’s hard to believe them. I came across these words today, and they stuck with me:
“There is no greater power than the acceptance of loss.”
If I can find a way to stand this, to bear this feeling in my chest that howls and sobs that everything is falling apart, that I’m losing everything – if I can manage to be in that place of loss and fear and let it crash over me like a tidal wave, then maybe I can believe that. I may be intact, and I may find that power in letting go completely, but this will change me, in ways I cannot yet predict. I will not be the same woman. I will be a different kind of bird entirely.
Before I began this journey, I was blessed by the opportunity to join with a small gathering of some of my favorite ladies for an impromptu full moon Lammas ceremony. We cast and released the threshings & new seeds into the fire, bathed naked in moonlit clear water under tall trees. Were purified by sisters, sage & song, tears and tales. Circles of hands and dancing in spirals. I went to sleep late with my hair smelling of woodsmoke & silver. My animal brain kept thinking something was burning all through the next day. I tried to let so much go in that fire. I’m still trying.
We have two full moons this August – a blue moon on August 31st. I hope to be by the ocean for it.
During the Lammas circle, I threw the things I wished to let of into the fire: I released my sorrow into the air, my tears turning to steam as they ran down my face. I asked the universe to help me with these losses, and to teach me how to bring more beauty and abundance back into my life. I asked for a bit of a break, and I asked for some kindness. The next day the postman brought me a parcel containing the sweetest and most thoughtful gifts ever – from a very kind and magical lady named Karen. To have such sweetness bestowed on me, (and especially from someone I haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting!) touched my heart more than I can properly express. I opened each colorful and lovingly wrapped little cadeau with trembling fingers and a sense of wonder and joy. It was truly one of the most marvelous parcels I have ever received – the care that went into choosing and preparing each little treasure was incredible. I was blown away by how perfectly each thing suited my taste – as if chosen by a friend who had known me for years! I felt completely humbled by such a random act of kindness. Want to see what was inside? You know you do:
Magic flower teas just entrance me: I can’t wait to have a tea party & watch these beauties bloom! I love their names so much: Moon Glow, Princess Flower, Wishing Star, Morning Dance, Blooming Richness, & Color Blazing!
Such incredible bounty from a kind heart: dragonfruit tea mints, cedarwood & mandarin balm, quince + apple honeyginger jam, stripety socks, liquorice persimmon & cactus pastilles, a hand carved juniper wood salt spoon, copper & silver rubber duckies, octopus eucalyptus + mint + anise soap, peacock tissues for tiny tears, Vulcan bat matches, a Nancy Drew journal, a wonderful fairytale book, an amazing mix cd, a red glass heart and little monkeys!
I really, really, really love unwrapping little gifts. I mean, I’m sure most people do – but I just get totally overwhelmed with excitement like a little kid at Christmas… I think there’s such magic in a thoughtful gift, such surprise.
I love giving presents just as much – and get just as excited by choosing, wrapping and giving the perfect little thing as I do in receiving. I adore birthdays – but most especially I love no particular reason gifts (mostly because I get too excited and have a hard time waiting and saving a present for a holiday. I also tend to lose them in my house…)
Karen, if you’re reading this – thank you again! Your wonderful gifts have brought me so much happiness.
August – from Dame Darcy’s excellent calendar. I’m grateful that this insane summer is nearly done. The New Moon in Leo is teaching me some things, too. Strange to think that my journey began on August 6th, and won’t end until September 6th. I don’t know what exactly I’ll be coming home to, or who I’ll be then, but at least the days will be getting shorter, the nights cooler. Turnings and turnings.